Oh my dear, what a year.

It has been a year and a day since my last post.

Sitting here looking at that post date I began to get upset. All I could think was, "A year later and I'm in the same place." But that's not really true is it? I'm a whole year older and a whole catastrophe wiser.

This year changed me. It transformed the way I understand love and the way I see myself.

Yes, I got engaged. Yes, I called it off.

If you've never had to make this particular decision, from my perspective it was a roller coaster of fear, second guessing, relief, but mostly heartbreak. It was the hardest decision I have ever faced: to hurt someone I loved deeply or to continue down a toxic path carrying a heavy burden.

You see, sometimes love really isn't enough. Love can kiss and love can sting.

I hate to admit it but I was embarrassed. It being such a public affair, it would allow people to pass judgement and make up their own understandings of what really happened. I was afraid to be perceived as selfish or stupid for falling that fast in the first place. I was afraid to hear hushed whispers of "I knew it wouldn't last" or "What will she do now?" I hid away. I hid out of fear that the people in my life would not support me and my decision in a loving way. In reality, the important people in my life embraced me with open arms and wept with me. They lifted me up when I was too weak to stand on my own.

Although that's a lovely lesson in itself, none of that really matters today. What matters is that I do not see myself as selfish. I am not stupid. I am human.

I see myself as strong.

My mind and my heart battled time and time again over what I could endure in the name of love. It was not until I completely gave both my heart and mind over to God in regards to this decision, that I found my answer. Never in my life has something become more clear to me. It was an incredible sensation to feel such overwhelming peace in the middle of an incredibly heart-wrenching moment. I'm here to tell you there's no going back after that peace that passes understanding touches and becomes ingrained within you. So, I listened and followed blindly into a sea of heartbreak with no bearings. Thy will be done.


It's not easy

to let go of the plans you had for you life,
to believe you will come out better on the other side,
to allow yourself to breathe and be happy.

Life goes on whether or not you choose strength and wisdom over fear and skepticism.

Yeah, life goes on. Live well in it.

-KP

"All is not lost. All is not lost. Become who you are. It happens once in a lifetime."
- Needle and Haystack Life, Switchfoot